Match Day, Houston Bound, and Dealing with Anxiety

Wow, what a weekend.

Do you ever build up so much excitement and nerves surrounding an event and then it comes and goes and you kind of just sit there like ok, now what? That’s kind of where I am at the start of this week.

Cameron matched at Baylor! Which means this summer he will officially begin his training to become an Otolaryngologist. Which also means that we will be moving to Houston, Texas!

I felt like I was on a cloud all through Friday and Saturday. I truly cannot express how excited we both are and even more so how proud I am of all of the work he has put in–and it finally paid off! Cameron truly never ceases to amaze me and I am still stunned at his ability to navigate and balance the grueling hours of studying, unpaid working hours longer than a full time job, and spending time with family and friends. After being together through 3.5 years of his medical school, each boards exam, applications, and interviews.. sometimes I felt like this day was just this fantasy that would never actually come. But it did, and here is a picture to give you an idea of the sheer joy and excitement I had when he opened his envelope:

That blurred image of my hand was after I smacked his arm multiple times because I found the name of the program before he did.

Now, after the whirlwind of emotions, I am left here to try to comprehend all of this. So, a little background…

I was born in New York City and we moved to Ohio when I was about 1 years old where I grew up in Hudson, Ohio, and then went to college at The Ohio State University and continued to live in Columbus, Ohio ever since. Aka, I have never made a big move away from my family and friends and if I am being totally transparent, I am terrified. I am close with my family (**shout out to my mom and dad in the picture above, my sister on FaceTime, and my other sister who was right behind my dad), and the thought of being more than just a 2 hour drive away from each other is probably the thing making me the most nervous. But, I know that distance won’t change things between my family and close friends, and if anything I am adding a cool place on the map for people to come visit!

Cameron and I had both decided that this opportunity is sort of a now or never type of thing. With 5 years of residency ahead of us, this provides us the opportunity to live somewhere new. We were apprehensive that if we had stayed in Ohio for those 5 years, we would never leave and be left to wonder what it would have been like if we had taken that chance. So, after many long nights discussing, we ranked Baylor number 1 and let fate decide (by fate I actually mean Cameron going through a brutal application process and killing his interviews).

I now have a little over 2 months to find an apartment, find a job, move halfway across the country…. and so forth. Needless to say, I will be testing my ability to practice self care and manage my anxiety.

During my last big life change (leaving for college), I spiraled into my eating disorder. I turned to controlling food and my body in a way that allowed me to numb out all of the emotions and anxiety about my life changing. During college I unfortunately carried many of those behaviors with me, and I turned to them during stressful times. Only in hindsight could I recognize that I was using these behaviors as a way to not confront other things going on in my life; it was a crazy never ending cycle of the problem becoming my solution.

Anxiety is not comfortable. Many times there is no specific reason. It makes you think irrationally, and sometimes you know this but you cannot get it to stop. You may lose your breath or feel like you can’t move. It can make you overly focus on one thing or make it so that your mind is moving so fast you can’t hear yourself think. It is different for everyone, but it is very real and can be crippling. Which is why for so long I hid from it within my eating disorder.

Today, as thankful as I am to be in a much different place in which these behaviors are no longer part of my life, I now am forced to confront this major life change and the anxiety and emotions that come with it without the crutches I had become accustomed to. And I would be lying if I said it was easy.

I am sharing this because my goal with this blog is to be real; to talk about the mental aspects that are less spoken of but an enormous part of overall health; to show people that it is okay to not be okay sometimes, and that doesn’t make anyone anything other than human.

I was prepared for this moment. I have mastered my coping strategies and made my self care lists. Most days, I am very good at handling my anxiety. But sometimes self care goes out the window. Meditation, yoga, running, calling a friend, deep breathing… none of the things on your self care list work. You are left to simply exist with the uncomfortable feelings. Today was one of those days for me. But that doesn’t mean I am weak or not ready or unable to handle to change that is facing me. It just means that I am human; the sun will still rise tomorrow.