2018 – The Year of Change

When I look back at the year of 2018, I am shocked. So much happened that it is hard for me to believe it was only one single year, and yet it also felt like it flew by. This past year has been a year of change and a year of growth for me. I am very lucky to have such amazing support in my life — Cameron, my family, and my friends all played a pivotal role in helping me get to this chapter of my life. However I also must give myself credit, because if I have learned anything it is that I am the only person who can change my life. Yes, there are a lot of outside factors or events that can play their part, but the way I choose to react, adapt, and view them is what will ultimately decide my success and happiness. This is something I realized a while back while looking at my relationship with food that had continued well past my treatment and I continuously put on the back burner. Unless I took action–whether that was seeking help or making changes myself–nothing was going to change. This year I truly challenged myself and it has been the greatest thing I have ever done.

I started off 2018 by biting the bullet and launching my blog and IG account, dietlessdietitian:

This was something I had talked about doing for a long time. I was nervous because much of what I promote both here and in practice stems from my own battles, and I felt that being honest about that was important. The whole reason I became a dietitian was to help people develop a healthy relationship with food and their bodies, and to do that I finally decided I needed to speak up and help break down the BS that media and society try to tell us about health. So, a lot of name contemplation later, I launched the IG and website and started this journey.

The month of February was filled with anxiety as Cameron and I discussed how to rank the places he had interviewed for residency. Which in hindsight, is seriously crazy. We were discussing 12 different places, all in different cities that I had never set foot in, and ranking them for where we would live for the next FIVE YEARS. I don’t know about you, but to me five years is kind of a long ass time. And unfortunately, residency isn’t something you can just change your mind about a year in and go somewhere else. Luckily, Cameron was very mindful about wanting to pick somewhere good for both of us– both where he liked the program and it would be challenging, as well as where we together would flourish and enjoy living. It was truly a hard decision. There was a long discussion about staying in Columbus because it had all of this and it was where we already were. However, we ultimately decided it was now or never to leave Ohio (at least for 5 years). So we took a chance, put Baylor as our number one. And then waited an ENTIRE MONTH for the envelope that would deliver the news of our fate.

This was such an amazing moment and I was so proud of Cameron. I always knew he would match where he put first, but since I am a littttle biased, he was still nervous. Side note — he is KILLING it in residency so far!

I was so excited as I pulled out a mini bottle of champagne and a Baylor hat from my purse. It wasn’t until I turned to see my sister had tears in her eyes that it hit me that I was moving. Not just moving though, I was moving like FAR away. Suddenly my mind was racing. My youngest sister and I were too far apart grade wise and did not get to do any type of school together. But then she came to Ohio State and I was still living in Columbus, and it felt like we were so much closer and those two years being in the same city were amazing, and I realized I was leaving that. My other sister and I got to spend one year of high school together (my senior, her freshman year). She went off to Maryland for college, was about to graduate, and was moving home to get her patient hours for PA school. I realized she would finally be in the same state as me again and I was leaving that too. Needless to say, I was still so excited, but I was also terrified and sad I would no longer be living a drive away from my whole family.

About 2 weeks after match day though, Cameron and I traveled to Mexico where I got to spend a whole week with him and my family. I can’t remember the last time we did an actual vacation, and was amazed that the timing worked out perfectly for all of us.

What better way to celebrate my quarter century birthday than in Mexico?!

But just when I thought my week couldn’t be more perfect…..

My best friend asked me to marry him!!!

I felt like I was on cloud 9 for the next month or so. My friends and family threw multiple engagement celebrations (also, wish I could put the video up of my friends when I FaceTimed them from Mexico). I am so lucky to have so many amazing people in my life.

During the months leading up to when we were supposed to move, I was doing my job hunting. I was determined to get a job in the areas I had always wanted to work (eating disorder and sports nutrition). After lots of emails and phone calls, I landed a graduate assistant position as a sports dietitian for University of Houston–which meant I unintentionally was now also going back to school for my Master degree. I was told ahead of time my hours for work would be crazy. The position outline stated 30 hours a week minimum, but after speaking with my Director he said to be prepared for probablyyy more like 70-80. But, I was more than ok with this because I would be working with college athletes, doing a job I truly loved.

Next thing I knew it, I was saying goodbye (see you later) to my friends, family, co workers, and life in Columbus, packing up our belongings and our cat, and headed to Houston.

Five days later, I started my job. Two months later, I started my first semester of graduate school.

My position as a graduate assistant is both extremely challenging but also helpful. It gives me the flexibility to learn and master the job without certain pressures. However, it was very difficult to accept that I was no longer my own boss, and that despite being a Registered Dietitian for three years, some people may not view me as an expert while in a GA position. Luckily, this has not typically been the case, and my boss made it known to me that I would be treated as a sports dietitian from the get go. And truthfully, I am so thankful for my role now because, as with many jobs, books can’t teach me a solid 75% of what I do on a daily basis. Sports nutrition guides don’t teach you how to handle caterers (holy moly.. it can be exhausting), how to talk to coaches, how to be an educator. These are all things only experience gets you.

I think the hardest part of being a sports dietitian though was how to maintain my own philosophy on eating, while trying to please coaches, players, administration, bosses, etc. I noticed right away how hard it would be to teach something like intuitive eating rather than just giving someone who wants to alter their body composition a meal plan. In my current role, I don’t have the flexibility to practice my own way. However, there are things I am incorporating now. For example, in sports, intuitive eating has a place, but it has to be meshed with performance nutrition. When an athlete wakes up at the crack of dawn for training, they have to think about what they need to eat to fuel them for however long that training is, rather than trying to base it on internal cues (i.e. they may not be hungry that early, but still need to eat; or what they are craving may not be enough to get them through the length/ intensity of their training). So, while it has been challenging to balance my non diet approach with performance enhancing nutrition, it is something that can be done and I am working on how to master that.

In all honesty I was terrified I would not be able to make friends down here. Not because I am not a social person, but because I was not sure where or how to go about that as an adult. Not to mention the fact that for the first six months of living here I was working 12-16 hours per day, usually 7 days a week, plus taking full time classes (all are online, thank goodness). But, Cameron and I made it a point on any day off to socialize. And we got really lucky because our apartment complex is amazing and we met great people right off the bat. This led to us joining a kickball league, which led to us developing best friends with some amazing people way faster than I could have imagined.

So a few things I learned from this year:

1. TAKE THE DAMN LEAP! It can be the most terrifying thing in the world to leave your comfort zone. For some reason I decided that I would do this in not just one area, but my entire life in the span of a few months. Was it scary? Hell yes. But was it worth it? HELL YES.
2. Your dreams are possible if you make them. This might sound cheesy, but until this year I had fallen into a funk where I thought I would never do the type of work as a dietitian that I wanted to do. I had contemplated going back to grad school for something else in order to make more money instead of continue trying to get a job in the areas I wanted. My passion for what I do is so clear if you have ever heard me talk about it (my family especially), and I am so thankful I did not let this go. Despite working CRAZY hours, I am actually doing what I love and the days go by WAY faster than my old 8-4 job. (Also, NETWORK–this is seriously the best way to gain experience!)
3. Stop comparing yourself to others. When Cameron and I got engaged, we were in no place to start planning a wedding yet. We were about to move cross-country and start brand new jobs–mine now being with a lower income than we intended (aka flying back and forth is not ideal). I was well aware of this and yet I kept feeling this weird pressure as I watched other people around me get engaged and immediate pick a venue, set dates, have their wedding pictures taken, etc. The reality is, we are just in a different place in life right now. If I tried to plan a wedding this past semester, I would have been miserable and it would have made the whole experience negative. Instead, we are taking our time, and that is OK. I also was doing this with my job. A lot of people in dietetics did an undergrad program that required them to apply to an internship after, which often times was combined with a masters program. In my program, however, I did my full internship during my senior year of undergrad–allowing me to sit for my RD exam right out of undergrad! This was amazing at the time, however I did not have as much flexibility in the type of internships I was placed at. Instead of jumping right back into school to get my masters, I took time to work and figure out what I wanted to do (and make money… because grad school is expensive). Now I am back in school (for free!) but at first I was frustrated because I felt like I was considered less experienced than other RDs my age, just because I did not do my masters right away, despite my years of experience being licensed. This is simply not true. Just because I took a different path does not make me any less than someone who took another one. I still got to my dream career! The path you take is unique to you, and just because it is different, doesn’t mean it is wrong.

Between starting my blog, matching, getting engaged, moving cross-country, starting a new job, and starting grad school, I am wiped (in the best way possible) from this year. I feel more confident in myself, in my work, and in my relationships. I conquered my fear of change, and overall did not let my anxiety send me retreating into old habits. But, keep in mind this is also my highlight reel. It does not show my moments of doubt, the moments where my anxiety did feel overwhelming, those times where I felt like I couldn’t move or breathe from stress. I try to share both sides because despite what Instagram or Facebook shows, no ones life is perfect. I have had an amazing year, but that came with just as many challenges.

Last but not least, I want to thank YOU ALL for supporting me along this journey. I am overwhelmed by the support and encouragement I received from starting this blog. My goal for 2019, now that I (think) I have the hang of this whole work/school/life thing, is to start posting more often. It may not always be recipes, but I will be trying to mix in a lot of the things I teach at work as well. I hope that you will continue to follow me through this adventure, and find the recipes/advice/body positive and anti diet mantra helpful.

And with all of that, 2019, I am finally ready for you!